Monday, April 24, 2006

The Poo Incident

Kids are funny, you know. Today I overheard a conversation between two 5 year old boys in the art room that went something like this

#1: Do you love any girls? Would you ever kiss one?
#2: no way!
#1: hehehe, I know who you love (names some girl in the class).
#2: nooooooooooooooooooo! Well, maybe.
#1: are you going to marry her?
#2: NO WAY!
#2: well...I *do* love my mum. I kiss her!
#1: WHAT? you can't marry your MUM, that's dumb! ewww.
#2: I kiss her and I love her. She lets me kiss her and she cuddles me. She's nice.
#1: Yeah...but you can't MARRY her!
#2: ...... :(

err, yeah well sorry kid that would be called INCEST which is only a valid past time in porn. So.. speaking of Freud that is the first concrete instance I've ever witnessed of the Oedipus complex at work. I can't believe it's taken this long! Go Freud, you were obviously on to a winner. An entry about penis envy next week folks.

The conversation had me laughing to myself while pretending I wasn't listening. Kids are absolutely awesome. Everyday I find something new that fascinates and enraptures me. I hope I end up having some of my own one day.

Well, that's what I thought until my next class. Teaching children is not like any other job - there are many reasons for this but the main reason is that I work with kids and kids are NOT adults, they say and do weird things and they are not in control of things that adults are. They are wackos actually. Teachers deal with a lot of shit that most normal working folk don't have to deal with. In fact..sometimes when you teach the youngest ones you literally deal with SHIT. Today was one of those days. The class after oedipus boy stank. I mean Peeeeeee-U. Some kid had pooed his pants, or stepped in it. I was starting to feel sick as I sat there explaining the task. The stench was overwealming.

Then a kid puts up her hand..

Kid: umm....Miiiiiissssss?
Me: yes (trying to breathe through mouth).
Kid: something really smells!!
Me: tell me about it!
Kid: ...something really smells..like ...... bottom.
Me: *laughing*

yeah, I never said I acted professionally EVERYday! But yes, there is a degree of decorum one must have in these cirumstances. You can't just go around accusing children of having a load in their shorts willy nilly without some EVIDENCE. That kind of accusation could scar a child for life. Who wants to be known as poo pants for the rest of their schooling years? A teacher needs to be sensitive about things like this. I tried to do the sniff test but almost threw up and had to retreat to the next room where I cowered and tried to convince myself that everything would be okay.

Finally, when I couldn't stand it anymore I stopped the class and had them all clean up early (sprayed the room with glen 20 - almost a whole can) and gave them the POO talk. You know, 'when you need to go to the toilet you must go, you must not poo in your pants. It's stinky and it's uncomfortable'. This is my JOB, folks. Are you jealous? I looked carefully for the guilty looking child, but they all gave me the blank look. The thing about 5 year olds is that they often give the blank look for pretty much everything and so it's hard to know when they really don't understand, or whether they're just being 5 years old.

I brought them back to their teacher. She is a substitute who I recently bonded with in the photocopy room one day when we both realised that we both have the same dumb sense of humour that noone else gets.

me: Someone in this class is....
her: ohhhhhh yeah, I know! I've had to live with it for the last 3 hours. I can't figure out who it is!
me: me neither! It's got to be one of them! Who the hell is it? I think it might be (names kid).
her: I'll check it out.
me: ...I had to stop them early and give them the poo talk.
her: I gave them the poo talk too!
me: haha, I can't believe they've had the poo talk from both of us. They must feel like shit.
her: ...well they certainly smell like shit.
me: hahahahah!

yeah, well - sometimes you have to amuse yourself or you'll go insane.

Pooer was discovered.
I couldn't eat lunch. It was all too much.