Tuesday, May 30, 2006

go lightly

I'm finding myself slipping away from things. Increasingly all I want to do is stay in my pajamas and just watch bad tele or sleep. I always judge my mood by my lowest point ever - which was in Uni a couple of years after my father died. Various life changing moments such as finishing school and finding a new life meant that I hadn't let myself grieve until that point and then a bunch of stuff happened all in succession and I found myself feeling all the pain for that and then the pain for my father. Great year that. I don't remember too much of it, just little snippets here and there of things I'd rather forget.

Leading up until the lowest point was like walking in a constant fog for months. I was tired all the time, I mean exhausted so bad that I couldn't even drag my feet without feeling breathless. Thinking was hard. Following conversations was hard. Following conventions such as eating at the table and greeting people was hard. I stopped calling people - that was the main sign for the outside world. I had, up until that point been the type of person that would see someone all day at school and then get on the blower for 4 hours every night. I guess girls are crazy like that. But that just stopped dead. If someone wanted to talk to me, they'd have to call me - I didn't really care if they did or didn't. But even those conversations were crap. I stopped caring about anything, or everything. Basically, every single thing was a struggle. Everything was stressful.

I saw myself reflected in the books I chose to read during that time - the typical that girl done gone mad for no good reason type books, you know the ones I mean. The more I read the more I understood myself as someone who was deep in the rabbit hole with no way out. Always, lost. Always, even without clouds in my head.

I don't think anyone really talks about depression as more than a mental illness - you get depression then you go visit the doc and then you go on happy pills and then it's okay, it was all in your head. But actually it's more than that. Depression is an exhaustion and struggle that you feel physically too. It's just having had enough - you actually feel your body shutting down and taking your mind with it. I felt it that way. My body alerted me to the mean reds in my head. I didn't go mental - I just felt everything get slower and slower until inside went quiet and dead, like the eye of the tornado. The stress of everything was still whirling around me, but it was like that couldn't touch the inner core of nothingness. It had to be like that for a while - I couldn't deal with anything else.

I can't remember how I snapped out of it, but I somehow did. I just pulled myself back together. I felt the fog lift and one day I didn't struggle with each breath and I didn't struggle to see. No more clouds in my head, no more whirling storm - it was good. No, I didn't go back to being the same old mez but I was a lot better.

There are still some remains..I still find it hard to call people though (as a first move that is). It's really hard. If you don't call, then I assume you don't want me to call either, because you don't want to talk. Then you don't call because you think I'm a snob and don't need people. When really, I'm wondering why noone needs me so then I don't call. It's a vicious cycle I know! I'm really, too high maintenence to bother with. But while I know it's hard for my friends these days, it's not so easy for me either, I struggle with that everyday. It's weird. I wasn't like that before - that's all very hard to admit. I let go the depressed blanket but I gained this thing called 'self doubt'. I'm a lot better when others make the first move actually. I can be normal then - I don't go through the self doubt if someone takes it out of my hands entirely. I'm happy when they do.

I know that sounds like I have a lot of issues (have you stopped reading yet?) and I guess I do, but I'm a pretty normal girl apart from that. I have my funny conversations, give advice, buy you a drink, debate crap, look forward to the world cup soccer and go out just like anyone else. But I have my inner turmoils too - just not as bad as they used to be.

Right now though, I'm beginning to feel exhausted again. I could sleep all day and still feel tired. And so I'm sitting here wondering if I'm just over things in general, or there's something wrong with me physically or whether I better buy my croissants because I'm feeling those mean reds turn scarlet.