Wednesday, August 16, 2006


In all my years of journalling I have never done an actual 100 list. Sure I've made lists of this and that but never have they been numbered! A while ago Meg did one and I loved it so much that I thought I'd do one too. I've been working on it on and off for a bit.

1. I was in the choir in high school. I had to join an ensemble group because I studied an instrument. My first choice was taking up another instrument (like oboe) and joining the band - but my parents didn't want me taking up another instrument - so I joined the choir.

2. I loved being in the choir and kept doing it even after I quit piano. I can't sing for shit.

3. When I was in year 10, one of my mates at school killed herself. She wasn't an ultra close friend but we hung out sometimes. "They" said she died from an internal haemorrhage but everyone knew what really happened. She slit her wrists. Her sister had done the same thing a summer earlier. The bitchy girl group at school who teased her, cornered her and beat her up were all fake crying the day we found out at school. I hated them for that.

4. I have the cbg blog not because of the pictures but because I don't always have the right words to express how I feel.

5. My favourite class in year 7 at school was woodwork. Our woodwork teacher Mr K would keep us under control by yelling "shut up or I will sit on you!" while standing right over you so you could see up his nose. He was about 7 foot tall (or something). He meant it too. He was a big guy. I adored him. He was always lovely to me and said nice stuff about the idiotic things I made (a pelican pencil holder??). I was kind of shy, so I guess when the shy girl is interested in boy's stuff then it might make a 7 foot tall rough around the edges teacher a bit excited that he'd gotten through. I always found sanding, sawing and making such a cathartic experience.

6. As a child I was allowed to play with saws, nails, hammers and heavy machinery (no kidding). I was not, however allowed to have a ken doll.

7. I had several ways to counteract the non-ken doll experience. I took an old barbie, cut off her hair and dressed her as a boy - but her breasts got in her way. I used my brother's GI Joe doll, but he was just one of the small figurines and so I used him as Barbie's baby son instead. And, Inspector Gadget was only tall enough when I made his go-go gadget legs spring (not good enough!). In the end I gave up any hope of Barbie ever finding a suitable partner and just had her live alone and visit all her other Barbie friends and be a lady of leisure. Yes, eerie isn't it?

6. All through my childhood and teen years I was obsessed with dance.

7. I grew up thinking we were dirt poor, but looking back I realise we couldn't have been and indeed weren't. My parents always made a big deal about money. Many of the fights they had revolved around it. I hate money matters.

8. I never really had pocket money growing up. If I wanted something I had to ask especially and make a case for it. Often that was denied. It always bothered me not to have any independence in that way. I vowed to myself when I got my first job that I would never have to ask for money from anyone ever again unless I was destitute. When my married friends talk about having to ask their husbands if they can buy a pair of boots it almost gives me hives. Surely there is another way to organise money matters while still maintaining your dignity.

9. When I was 13 I went and opened my own personal bank account and my friends' mother signed for me. It was not at the same bank that my parents invested in. When I told my mother she hit the roof!

10. I am a last minute plan type girl. I hate thinking about things until I absolutely have to because there's no point to me unless it's happening right now. This drives pretty much everyone else nuts.

11. Guarranteed, if you've made plans with me more than 2 days in advance you will get a text message from me about 10 minutes before we're supposed to meet asking "when and where are we meeting again?".

12. I love coffee - I used to drink 12 cups a day. No I am not kidding you - 12. Then I went cold turkey and for 2 and a half years I did not touch the stuff at all. I drank herbal tea instead. The headaches I got in the first 3 months of initial withdrawal were horrific. I thought I was going to die. After that I didn't miss it at all. One day a friend convinced me to just have one and I was hooked like THAT. I'm glad I never got into drugs, can you imagine?

13. I had the world's biggest crush on my university lecturer for cultural studies. He was gay. What totally attracted me to him was the fact that he was so passionate about popular culture.

14. I pretty much always wear flats. It's rare to see me in a pair of heels - though I do sometimes go for it (always regretting). The most ridiculous sight in the world to me is seeing a beautifully made up woman from head to ankle in business attire followed by running shoes on her feet. Why would that happen? oh because heels are uncomfortable and you get to that stage in the day when you literally feel like you are going to DIE from the pain. I say fuck that. I love cute shoes. I have lots of cute shoes - they just tend to be kitten heels or just flat. I'm very audrey hepburn about it all.

15. I avoid looking in restroom mirrors. I don't know when this started but I can't look in the mirror without saying something really mean to myself. I guess I'm afraid I'm going to tear out the soap dispenser and throw it at my reflection if I get started on the hair and makeup in a restroom - so for the most part I tend to just avoid it.

16. I have a bit of a girl crush on Doris Day. Calamity Jane is one of my all time favourite musicals. It makes me a little sad that she conforms to the ideals of feminity at the end but at the same time it's also kind of cool because you still know she's good ol' Calam underneath. In the movie Love and other Catastrophes the lead characer Alice says that she's writing a thesis on Doris Day as a feminist warrior. I know it's a big joke but I love that idea! That, incidentally, was practically my life for a year, including the running away from supervisors bit. I was known to get up from a meal and just bolt if I saw my supervisor anywhere within the vicinity.

17. One of my favourite places in the world is inside a cinema. I love everything about the experience, the size of the screen, the darkened shadows, the sticky velour seats. Even when the movie is bad I still feel right at home because it just feels so right for me to be there. I have never met anyone who feels the same way about it as me. When I don't go for a while (like now..) I feel like something is missing in my life. Then I realise I just feel that way because I haven't been to the movies in a while so I go and it's all good again.

18. My first hair cut at a proper salon was an absolute tragedy. My mother held the belief that I should have short hair, (because she had short hair maybe) and when my hair reached half way down my back she dragged me to the hairdresser and they cut my hair into a bob. I remember crying my eyes out as I watched each little bunch of hair float downwards onto the linoleum. I was 7.

19. I don't have very many acquaintances. I belong to a few different circles of close friends.

20. I fiddle, a lot. I can't help twisting paper, doodling, twirling my hair, touching my face, twitching my leg, changing positions a million times in my seat etc. I drive people nuts. I guess it's the nervous tension.

21. On the other hand I've also been described as very laid back and calm. Maybe I pick my moments.

22. I like being barefoot. At home I kick off my shoes and spend the night padding around. I'm always sort of involuntarily dancing around or whatever and shoes are just dumb if you want to do that. I do have a pair of ballet shoes that I slip on if it's cold - they're sort of like socks in the way they give your feet movement without actually having to be barefoot.

23. I'm a toucher. If you hate being touched don't come near me. You know how they say that if someone touches you on the arm or flicks their hair it's a sign they like you? Well, that's a crock when it comes to me. I flick my hair becuase I fiddle and I touch because I like human contact. I'm always rubbing someone on the arm or poking them or something.

24. There is only one way to get from A to B and that is moving ridiculously fast without any regard for anyone in your way or even looking where you're going. I speed walk through shopping centres and down the street. I'm too fast for those automatic doors! I hate it when people mosey along looking at the scenery and being all lah di dah about things. T-t-t-t-today junior!

25. Some of my favourite weather is happening right now at the tail end of winter before spring comes in. The days are still fresh but they are sunny and mild too. In the evening the sy is a perfect cornflower blue before it turns crimson on the horizon.

26. I love wildflowers and the kinds of flowers you'd find in any old regular front garden. I love daisys - they're such happy flowers even if they are weeds. I adore fresh lavendar - just adore it!

27. I'm not afraid of challenging people on their point of view. If I dissagree I don't mean it personally but sometimes people take it as such.

28. When I was 16 my father died of a massive heart attack. I had been waiting for something to happen for a while. He was a smoker, drank a bit and enjoyed life (as they say). Something wasn't right. He had been restless, irritable and sick for about a week prior. He had kept me awake coughing his lungs out for about a year before that.

29. When I see people smoke I always have this urge to just walk up, snatch the cigarette out of their mouth, tear it in half and stamp on it just to see what they'd do. I also have this urge to give them a cuddle because it reminds me of my dad. It's weird.

30. I am terrible at sports. I can't catch, throw or run - plus, I don't want to. I loathe playing any kind of team sports with a passion and totally sympathise with the unco children who fake an illness to get out of PE. These kind of people are my inept sisters and brothers! Unite!

31. I am decidedly uncompetitive when it comes to pretty much everything except board games and card games where I will lie, cheat, steal and kill in order to win.

32. I like ridiculous things. The more ridiculous the better. If I hear that a movie is going to involve say...ooo.., snakes on a motherfucking plane taking everyone hostage then you can bet I've been planning my visit to the theatre for opening night for a while!

33. I'm not really into serious theatre as such but I love musicals. My love for them started at my Primary School where my music/art teacher was OBSESSED and we'd spend almost a whole year practising afterschool/weekends/lunchtimes/school time on one play. In the end it was so big we had to go to a week of performances and selling tickets (primary schools generally don't charge for tickets for school plays..it's usually a gold coin donation). From memory I think we charged 10-15 bucks. That was a lot of money in the 80s.

34. My core group of best friends has been the same since I was in year 7-10 at school. In fact I've probably lost touch with one person who was a friend in HS. The rest are still my friends.

35. I have one brother. We weren't always close but we are pretty close now. He's one of those ultra, ultra laid back kind of guys who always look like they're stoned. But he's not. Actually he's one of the funniest people I know and a total pop culture whore like me. He's probably owned thousands of DVDs but even he loses count because he keeps selling them and buying new ones.. He can be a real shit when he wants to be.

37. When I was about 17 or so, my best friend and cousin T (artist/nun cousin) decided to join the hari krishnas. I was a complete arse to her about it. She wanted to go live in their 'house'. I always throught that HKs were lovely, peaceful, tolerant people until that point - believe me after you get past the initial honeymoon period they aren't. They're a bunch of fascists who will stop at nothing to get you in.

38. After the intervention (oh yes) she went back to catholicism, but she found a separate "branch" to worship. I was a complete arse to her about it (I was not a very understanding teen when it came to religion). She told me that she wanted to be like Francis of Assisi - rejecting materialism, being sublime and devoting her life to god. I asked her if she believed in Godly type visions (a la Francis) and she said yes. I said "well what if someone like me was visited by god over someone like you? Being devout isn't goint to get you a vision" and she said if you saw a vision of God it wouldn't be God, it would be the Devil tricking you into darkness (I had been quite vocal of my rejection of catholicism for about 2 years at this stage). Depsite not believing in the devil I was highly offended.

39. I learned to be more understanding about religion. She learned to be less pious and now we're good friends again.

40. When I'm alone I sing along in the car full blast, headbanging, the whole bit. When I'm with others I totally clam up.

41. I prefer dinner, wine and conversation over pushing my way through a sweaty crowd at a nighclub and coming home with smoke in my hair.

42. I like people who are firey and have a good sense of humour.

43. I'm equally attracted (friends and otherwise) to people who are kind.

44. I can get pretty fired up about shit very easily and then lose interest just as easily. Fire signs are the worst for pulling that kind of crap.

45. I've never owned a cat or a dog. I had rabbits and ducks as pets (and of course fish). As a kid I begged for either a golden retriever/lab cross or just a lab. I love those kinds of dogs because they're helpers and they look kind of sweet and calm.

46. I am a bit terrified of big dogs that bark ferociously though. I also don't like little yappy dogs that go crazy if the doorbell goes. *I* don't go crazy if the doorbell goes, why should a dog?

47. I'm not always logical (see #46). I can be totally idealistic about things just because of a certain feeling I have about it rather than have a well thought out argument. Well, just...because... seems to work as an argument for me.

48. I have a very strong sense of justice. If something is unjust I am quickly irritated. For instance: It KILLS me to see people who don't work hard get the rewards over people who really bust a gut. I hate it how the quiet achiever is overlooked for the flashy freak.

49. I believe in ghosts. When I get into conversations about hauntings etc there is always someone in the group who is rolling their eyes and saying they don't believe in that shit. For me there IS no logical argument about it - Yes they exist now shut up and just accept it!

50. I'm notorious for not answering emails, text messages, phone calls (call backs), opening bills, paying my taxes or opening the front door. Yeah, it's horribly infuriating (for everyone else).

51. I wake up several times during the night and do a lot of tossing and turning while trying to get to sleep. If someone else is in the bed then I get a bit self conscious about it because I don't want to disturb them and give THEM a crappy night sleep too and so I find it even HARDER to get to sleep than normal.

52. I am so fascinated by gender relations. Sometimes I truly feel like we're in a war where noone understands eachother. I know that not all men are pigs but sometimes I really, truly do feel that actually..yeah they are. sorry :(. I've not really been shown otherwise.

53. I hate hot weather. I am known for my process of hibernation during the hottest days.

54. I *hate* waiting in the line at the bank. It drives me CRAZY to see a teller laughing it up instead of taking their place at the window and getting the line moving!

55. I want to bitch slap people who say "immigrants are coming in and taking all our jobs and living it up". You know what? Immigrants come in and do the shit jobs that Australian born citizens refuse to do! Australian born citizens who don't have a job and complain about this shit need to suck it up, get off the fucking dole and get one of those "shit jobs" themselves instead of thinking they're too good for them.

56. I keep all my Neil Gaiman Sandman comics still in plastic sleeves (nerd alert).

57. I adore reading people's blogs! I love reading about your day, about the mundane, the exciting, the opinions, the miscellany. I love it when bloggers get all firey about things and you can practically hear them ranting.

58. I get headaches regularly. If I get one I basically have to go to bed and sleep. There's nothing else that will make me better.

59. I am extremely sensitive so almost every touch is a tickle to me.

60. If I'm in a group with lots of loud people I tend to go very quiet. If I'm in a group with lots of quiet people I'm very quickly the loudest one.

61. Dominant male personalities turn me on, but if they are also arrogant I quickly lose interest. I loathe arrogance - it's one of those personality traits that stops people from actually caring about eachother. I am all for caring.

62. There are just some things I won't blog about and won't talk about. I don't care who you are, you can't make me, so there.

63. If someone compliments me I automatically think they are lying. Learning how to say "thank you" instead of arguing with people who compliment me has been such a hard hurdle for me to overcome. I was constantly told as a child that I couldn't trust anyone and that even if they said something nice to me they were only saying it to get something out of me not because they meant it. I guess I've had experiences that proved that to be true actually. My mother told me that only people who would ever really love me ever would be my parents. The trouble was most of the harshest things ever said to me in my life have come from my parents. This basically has fucked with my head.

64. I tend to be pretty much a no fuss kind of girl.

65. When I was 12 I gave my brother a crew cut in the bathroom. I thought it would look shit hot. I was half right; it looked shit. oops.

66. I hate getting up in the mornings. No matter what time it is I always wish for an extra few hours sleep. I like lying in bed thinking about my day before actually starting my day.

67. If I'm stressed about things I don't tend to face them head on. Instead I put them to the back of my mind and avoid thinking about them at all. This is not a good way to handle things.

68. Sometimes I wish I was back in uni. I had such a blast learning. Yes, I actually liked the academics!

69. When I was 11 I was walking in a shopping centre when a man came up and slapped me on the bottom (because he was a lecherous freak). I don't think I have ever felt so aware and ashamed of myself without even knowing why. I have had similar things happen to me including a man at a market just walking up and pinching my breast when I was 14 or so... and there have been many more worse things. I really struggle with wanting to view men as partners/friends/protectors and carers and actually seeing them as people who for the most part want to hurt me.

70. Journalling has actually helped me see that men are people too and can be nice. Thanks.

71. One of my all time favourite photos is of E and I completely sloshed off our faces at our year 12 formal. We are both singing into the camera and look hilarious (well I look like I'm on the way out and she looks really happy). We are each wearing one long silver glove we "borrowed" off a girl we didn't even know.

72. When I was about 12, M and I were at the local milkbar when we discovered that the lolly machine (you know the ones where you twist the handle and the lollies come out) worked without you having to put money in. We stood there for about 10 minutes twisting lollies into our pockets, when suddenly the milkbar owner ran outside yelling at us to leave it alone and that he'd tell our parents on us! M saw him a few years ago and he totally greased her off. Talk about holding a grudge. ha!

73. My all time favourite perfumes are chanel #5 followed by Anna sui (original).

74. My first job was working at a pizza shop as a waitress and on register. It was 6 men and me. There was a lot of verbal sexual harrassment going on.. It got so that I'd hyperventilate before going to work because I was so worked up about it. It was also shit pay and the customers were a bunch of arseholes. I have supreme admiration for anyone who works in the food industry.

75. When I was little my mother had this box of buttons. They were all shapes and sizes and different colours of the rainbow. I played with those buttons a lot. It's a bit strange now that I think of it. I loved sorting them, sticking them to things, sewing them etc. Weird.

76. I wasn't popular and I wasn't a total nerd in high school. I was just average nothingness. I look back on the experience with mostly fondness. I had a lot of fun. I had good friends and I remember most days being a laugh riot.

77. I have an excellent imagination and tend to live inside my head a lot. I get a bit pissed when people interrupt my lovely day dreams with their mundane matters.

78. I can be extremely sarcastic and cynical.

79. I am very good at procrastinating. S (who got married recently) used to ring me late the night before our assignments were due in hysterics because we both hadn't even started and then we'd both sit on the phone for hours talking about how we wished we wouldn't procrastinate so much.

80. E and I used to sit in art class in grade 10 and argue about which of us was the reincarntaion of Elvis.

81. I've never broken a bone, but I did sprain my ankle once trying to learn the dance moves in the movie Staying Alive in front of the TV. I was so embarrassed that I lied and said I hurt my leg when I tripped over trying to get to the phone.

82. It bothers me to no end that the characters from Lost will never be found (for fucks sake) yet I never found it annoying that Dr Samuel Beckett kept quantum leaping for years and years. In fact I never wanted him to go home!

83. I have a sick fascination with Gidget. She was quirky and fun.

84. I was obsessed with television while growing up. I Love Lucy was one of my favourite shows. She was such a ham. I always thought Ricky was such a stick in the mud. Why couldn't he just recognise that Lucy was unique and wonderful and stop going on at her all the time? Another favourite show was The Brady Bunch. I think I've seen every episode at least 5 times. I adore "The Brady Bunch Movie" and get all the craptastic in-jokes. I was also a fan of Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie. I wanted to have magical powers too and used to send a lot of time "working on it" by learning how to wiggle my nose and flick my hair just right. I also pretended that our lounge was the inside of my little bottle, just like Jeannie.

85. I have a fear of falling, but not of heights. I love heights. Therefore climbing ladders freaks me out but standing on the top of the Eiffel is breathtaking.

86. I hate being on boats. I do not have sea legs. I have never been on a boat without feeling so sick that I wanted to die - including the large and small ferrys and even row boats!

87. Last 20 songs on ipod shuffle: One Night in Bangkok (from Chess), To Her Door (Paul Kelly), Big Time Sensuality (Bjork), Police and Thieves (The Clash), Burn (The Cure), Mailman (Soundgarden), Yellow Ledbetter (Pearl Jam), Mein Herr (Liza Minelli), Fall in a River (Badly Drawn Boy), One Way or Another (Blondie), Allegro (Tchaikovsky - Nutcracker), Sweet Jane (Cowboy Junkees), Livin' Thing (ELO), I've just seen a face (The Beatles), She Works Hard for the Money (Donna Summer), Smooth Criminal (Michael Jackson), In the Mind of The Bourgeois Reader (Sonic Youth), More than I Can (Jane Jenson), Children of the Revolution (T-Rex), Handsome Gretel (Babes in Toyland).

88. I hate Bono. I've tried to love him, but I can't. I think he's an absolute twat.

89. I miss the old Spice Girls (before they went belly up). I miss music girls as quirky superhero types instead of just boring old sex symbols :(

90. Whenever I did something remotely naughty my parents would threaten to send me to catholic boarding school. This terrified me even though it never was going to happen.

91. I like Hillary Clinton. I don't understand why people hate her so much.

92. A few of my very good friends (4?) have had eating disorders. In fact I don't know any girls who haven't starved themselves at some point because they felt fat or wanted to lose a couple of kilos.

93. I kept a blog for a while that included explicit sexual material in it. It has some of my best writing. I didn't keep it to titilate, some of it was very raw and confronting on many levels and never shared it for good reason. I actually dislike blogs that titilate in order to achieve popularity. It's such an obvious ploy. There has been a crossover of only two people who have read both. One of those people don't know that I know that they read it. hi :)

94. I am quite madly obsessed with the BBC version of Pride and Prejudice. Hello Mr Darcy in wet shirt!

95. Despite the fact that I am arguably the world's most cynical person I'm a great romantic idealist (this is a shame).

96. I never slept with a stuffed toy. I always felt I was missing out and that I should though, so I loaded my bed up with various stuffed toys every night but chucked them out within 10 minutes because it was too uncomfortable to actually sleep. I hate feeling smothered. I always thought I was so weird for never needing to sleep with a toy.

97. Sometimes when I'm in a line and there is a man in front of me that has broad shoulders and looks sturdy I feel like leaning forward against him and just exhaling into the back of his neck. I always struggle with not actually doing that.

98. I analysed my thoughts about teaching the other day. If I am honest I'm not in it becuase I'm dedicated to the idea of educating children academically (though that is part of it). I'm really in it because I want to help those children who are sad/have been hurt/abused. That kind of stuff breaks my heart.

99. I loved that grungy look in the 90s. I know it was unpretty in terms of girly femininity but it was however extremely comfortable (for women, finally!). Big t-shirts, a mini (or cords), a smack of red matt lippy and docs. duuuuuude!

100. In year 10 my best friend S and I both had a crush on the same boy. He had floppy dark hair and blue eyes. We were so love struck. Obviously nothing was ever going to happen so it was all just very fun and lighthearted. We made up a name for him; boyd, which stood for boy of your dreams. I still think of crushes as boyds.

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