Thursday, August 10, 2006

thoughts right now.

It's well and truly the end of the day. The sun has dissapeared behind the fence leaving the sky a muted blue and behind me in the distance is the occasional shriek of a child playing ball or running and hiding under the gum trees. Sometimes I like just sitting here at the conclusion of the day and just having a think. I never seem to have enough time to think. I remember last year I had this child in my grade (who was -and still is- a real handful). He was always getting into trouble and I was constantly putting him on the naughty bench during lunch play. One day he amused me greatly by whispering in confidence that he actually liked going there because it gave him time to think about all the things he had to do without having to be bothered by people talking to him all the time. I can relate. Sometimes I don't want to talk. I don't want to listen and I don't want to do. I just want to sit and think without anyone bothering me.

There's a lot to do - always a lot to do around here. So much work to evaluate, cupboards to clean through, requisites to order, a program to write. I'm thinking about that damn movie that we should have filmed by now and haven't. The furniture I promised that I'd sort out but havent. The pathway I need to build, the mural I need to assemble, people I need to see and help and relate with. All these things whirling around me faster than I can see them almost. It makes more sense to sit here and contemplate them - though that never got anyone anywhere.

I'm contemplating next year. Should I continue with the art role? Should I consolidate this year - will it be easier? Will anything ever be easier? Why should the concept of something being "easier" be so attractive anyway? The real question I guess is; do I have a choice? Prin is already wandering around oohing and ahhing about how great the displays are and what a great job I'm doing, I have a feeling that she won't want to let me go from this role in a hurry (there are other reasons too..maybe for another time). I know that parents are happy because they say such nice things and that the staff has been happy because I don't take too many days off and because they like seeing the art work around (my days off affect their time release). But I don't know if I am all that happy - and I don't know if that's because it's been hard in so many ways or because it's just not me to be an art teacher? I've been told that isolation and coming to grips with a specialist program is part of it all and that the second year is always better than the first - but who knows until you give it a go? And who knows if you're trapped until you actually are? I guess that's always been my problem. Taking chances.

I had a run in with some of the girls in grade 6 today. They were disrespecting ..well everything and everyone really so I kept them in at lunchtime and made them do a whole bunch of horrible menial tasks like scrubbing buckets and cleaning paintbrushes. This kind of thing happens every week and I'm over all the constant 'newness' of every grade as they come and go. The changeover is a killer because you've got to re-establish the rules every time. I almost spend more time enforing rules than I do being creative - and that is something I didn't expect, but have had confirmed by other specialist teachers that it's standard. I miss the everday meandering ebs and flows of having your own grade. Teaching a specialist subject is breakneck formula 1 speed stuff. Some days I'm up to it and some days I'm not - but if I had to be honest I guess it was always like that with everything I do. Who's to know if things will ever change?

I think about the things I like in this role. The chance to do something new. The enjoyment I get from seeing children create and the school beautified under my guidance. I like the ownership and the freedom I get to create and to teach my program without any outside interference and love the chance of getting OUT of the school every now and again to meet with the clay lady or the art supplier (I know, quite sad). I have grown a lot in some ways, become more confident when dealing with people and a budget but maybe I've put other things on hold to compensate for that...

With these thoughts right now I don't really know where to head. I'm stuck in the middle, as always, with nothing resolved and nothing doing..

Well, the sky has been slowly turning crimson as I've sat here near the fading light of the window to the outside world. The last scraggles from after care have gone home and I am no closer to having thought my way even through half the things I've wanted to than when I started. I guess it always happens like that.