Thursday, September 07, 2006

counting flowers on the wall

I'm confused, pensive, pondering.

There is this guy at work I'm not attracted to. Huh? Yeah, not.

This is not really an issue except that he's extremely good looking, a good person, we have the same dorky sense of humour (best laugh of the day today...err, also only laugh of the day) and he's single. He's even thinking of becoming a Primary School Teacher - which means he loves kids! Men who love kids are really high on the list of things that attract me to them (it's got to do with that kindness thing. Men who love kids enough to actually want to spend most of their day with them simply must have a good heart). Men who make me laugh are to die for. I just adore them. Yet, this guy - I'm not attracted to him. Not in the least.

He was helping with the editing of the movie project today so we were working hand in a hand a lot. Actually, now that I think about it, over the years he has helped me out a lot with technical matters (ie: me fucking up the server whenever I come into 10 feet of a computer). Honestly, when I first started on the job I had a big crush on him. I could hardly look at him without blushing - but it sort of dissapeared. And today, Bless his soul - this shows how great he really is - he spent 6 hours straight with Dawson Leary and did not combust into flames.

After all was said and done and all the kids had gone home, we found ourselves in a comfortable moment together over the editing software waiting for the tape to finish recording. I stepped back from myself and examined the situation. Why don't you love him? I couldn't think of a reason why I wasn't attracted to this guy. Meanwhile any number of dumb reasons will set me off on a huge crush on...people I hardly know - but this guy; nada.

It unnerved me, this lack of feeling for someone so ..there. I have no idea what I want anymore. Maybe I think that 'certain guy' is just going to end up doing something really not nice, so it's not worth it from the beginning. Maybe I don't want anything at all. Maybe I just want a cat and a good book and a vibrator. But that can't be right..can it?