Sunday, September 24, 2006


Dear Real Estate Agent,

Hi - I'm just a dumb girl here looking for a house. Tee hee hee I'm just so stupid and helpless I don't even notice the fact that there is rising damp and that the house needs restumping. I'll never notice if you're trying to sell me a dump if you casually try to block my view of the 50 year old fuse box that is making fizzing noises. Nope didn't notice that at all! It has flowers growing in the front garden therefore it must be nice. Teee heeeeee.

Yeah, I know watching girls walk into an open for inspection is sort of like when a girl walks into a car yard. The car salesman thinks CA CHING bitch! I know you think that because I'm smiley and friendly and I'm wearing red mary janes and I may just have a little bobby pin in my hair. It's a dead giveaway; dumb girl. But hey, I understand - your job is to get the best sale possible for the owner and if I was an owner that was looking to sell I would want you to lie, cheat, steal and kill in order to get the best deal for me too. Okay, perhaps kill would be going a tad far, considering that would defeat the purpose of paying. Perhaps you can kill them after they pay? Whatever floats your boat you sick fuck.

Anyway, I understand all this and I'm going to humour you on it because you have blonde highlights. So, don't be offended if I laugh when you tell me a straight out lie about the foundations being rock solid when THE FLOOR HAS A SLOPE TO THAT WOULD MAKE AN OLYMPIAN SKIER SHAKE WITH FEAR. The point is though, there are certain things I expect you to know, since you are representing the person whose house you are selling. In the last few weeks I am constantly up against people like YOU, yes YOU - who have no idea how to answer the world's most simple questions.

When was this house last restumped?
Is this house heritage listed?
Does it need rewiring?
Is there a car park on the title of this house?
What is the asking price?
(fo' real).
How old is this house?
Have the pipes ever been replaced?
Are the windows double glazed?
How many years has the owner had this house for?
Are there any developments planned within this or neighbouring streets in the near future?
How much are body corporate costs?
How much are rates in this area?

How can you not know the answers to these questions? Isn't it your business to know? You don't have to know them straight off the top of your head but shouldn't you have a pad with all these 'typical questions' answered on it? Do you have any idea how much trouble I would be in if a parent came into my classroom and I couldn't answer how I run my program? It's my business to know exactly how to run a classroom and it's your business to know things about the houses you are selling. Don't think I won't ask you these questions because I will.

Yours Sincerely,

Dumb Chick.

PS: Direct me to "section 32" again and I will beat you.
PPS: Okay, perhaps "beat" was a little overdramatic - but I may just shake my fist and say "ooooo youuu"