Thursday, February 01, 2007


I was witness to the most fucked up conversation ever today. Was it about the war on terror? No. Was it about abortion? Nope. How about religion? That one always gets the plebs fired up doesn't it? No Sir. Well what was it about then?

Dog birthday parties.

People are having birthday parties for their dogs. Did you know about this?

DOGS - as in humble and faithful PET.

Yes, we're talking invites handed out to the other dog owners in the neighbourhood for their dog, dog food cakes, dog treats, balloons, music, games, presents - you name it. Folks, these are not child parties we're talking about - it's dogs. You know the animal that lives in the kennel and sniffs crotch and eats vomit? Yeah, that one. I have an adverse reaction to people who dress their dogs up (I saw a corgi the other day who was wearing a leather vest - probably more expensive than my whole outfit) let alone have dog parties.

I had no idea what to say when I heard E, L, C and Ez were talking about all this. At first I nervously laughed and buried my nose in my iced-coffee. Then when they got onto My dog is turning 1 next month - let's do it! and I couldn't help myself and practically yelled at them for being FREAKS OF NATURE!

Okay, I know that there are a few dog lovers out there but my general opinion on the matter is that dogs don't need birthday parties. Maybe give them a bone or something to celebrate or an extra hug - sing 'em happy birthday or something. But they don't need their "dog friends" to come over and celebrate. They don't need clothes. They don't need to be dressed up like ducks. They don't need to be carried instead of walked. They don't need to be married to another dog. They don't need to wear wigs. They don't need to be the ring-bearer at your wedding! They don't need to live in your handbag. They don't need jewelery. They don't need to eat from the fucking table. They don't need to drink evian instead of tap water. And guess what freako, your dog will never need novelty sunglasses or nappies! NEVER! Who the fuck do you think you are anyway, Oprah? THEY ARE DOGS, NOT PEOPLE! YOU MIGHT LOVE THEM LIKE THEY ARE PEOPLE BUT ACTUALLY YOU ARE DELUDED. THEY ARE PETS, NOT PEOPLE!!!

They need a pack leader who loves them for being a dog, not for being a human. Cuddle them until your heart is content but don't be a fucking idiot about it for FUCKS SAKE!!! I'm so fired up! ARGH.