Friday, June 21, 2013

High Definition Life

Due to extensive sessions with MVOR I've turned a sort of corner (I say 'sort of' because I'm not sure if I have or haven't) and so I'm seeing life in ultra high definition at the moment.
It's not altogether a positive experience.
Sure, while I'm constantly amazed by the vibrancy of this new vision in which I view my life I'm also more painfully aware of my shortcomings than I ever was before.  Every pixel is screaming to be noticed and it is.

Never more apparent was this than during my visit with E today, who brought her little pumpkin round to say hi.  Well, Pumpkin is absolutely adorable as you would expect of a happy, healthy, vibrant young child and while E and I talked about this and that we were entertained by Pumpkin's little antics as she fell back on the pillows, or giggled at no one in particular or waved at her reflection in the Piano.   Pixels screaming.  I notice.

Since I'm still staying with Mum while I recoup it was inevitable that she walk into the house to find E, whom she hasn't seen since probably early University days and who now has a young child.  Mum was absolutely besotted with Pumpkin and I saw her go into full on grandmother mode.  That is, grandmother mode in full HD.  Pixels screaming.

And in that moment there as she played peek-a-boo with Pumpkin, I saw exactly what she had been missing, which is what I hadn't given her; a grandchild.  Indeed, it was what I haven't yet managed to give myself.  I felt the weight and sadness of that bittersweet moment in full blown HD for both of us, but mostly for Mum, whom I realised would be a great grandmother given the chance and who would just cherish that role so much.

High Definition life kind of sucks sometimes.