Sunday, July 28, 2013

Movie Review

I am the proud owner of a "Hoyts Reward Card",  that feckless piece of plastic that you hand over so that 19 year old popcorn machine operators can monitor the movies you watch.  Every so often you accumulate enough points to warrant a free popcorn from the Candy Bar or (joy!) a $10 movie.  Since going to the movies costs about $19 these days this is a quite welcome present.

The other day I decided to log on  to my account for the first time since I got the card. My first thought was "wow, I go to the movies a lot".  My second thought was "wow, I pay to see a lot of shitty movies".  Since I have a rather self-inflated perspective on what you think about the pop culture I consume I thought I might share them in a completely inept move review format for you.

The Heat

Okay, okay so it's not as funny, genuine or even as interesting as Bridesmaids.  Sorry folk, but that comedy ship has sailed.  Now that we've seen a bride defecating in the middle of a busy road the land of girl comedy has changed forever.  I like a buddy flick.  I like a female buddy flick and this one pushed a lot of boundaries and I like that about it.  It fell short on a lot of different levels and perhaps Bullock isn't quite up to the task of handling this kind of comedy and that unfortunately made the acting feel a little forced.  This wasn't the best thing I've ever seen but I laughed... like... a lot.

3.5 stars.

This Is The End

If the merit of cinema was based on rape jokes, pissing and vomit then this movie would win all the Academy Awards and the Grand Jury Prize at Sundance.  In the real world however the CGI Angels of Death in this POS film do a more believable job of conveying a semblance of real emotion than the actors do.

1 star.

The Internship

How can two guys who've had more barely legal pussy than Ron Jeremy and Bieber combined be so far removed from what the young hipsters are into?  Apparently they are hazy on what www.google.com actually does. Well boys, in case you didn't know Google is the search engine you use to find that mountain of midget porn you've been watching.  Uh huh.  That hole in the storyline aside it wasn't that bad.  It wasn't that good, but... it wasn't that bad.

2.5 stars.

Man of Steel

Henry Cavill is hot.  The movie is shite but he is hot.  That's all you need to know.

2 stars.

The Big Wedding

I'd actually forgotten I'd gone to see this THAT'S how forgettable this movie was.

2 stars.

Iron Man 3

It's visual eye candy.  Pity about the lack of an interesting and cohesive storyline though.  It had some funny/exciting moments but ultimately this movie falls down as the typical 3rd movie in an overcooked series that should have begun and ended at the supremely awesome #1.

3 stars.

Warm Bodies

I liked it.  Somehow that little kid from About a Boy (Nicholas Hoult) makes zombies seem sweet and lovely.  After all, they're really just misunderstood, socially awkward people stuck in the bodies of decaying brain eaters.  You just want him to stop being so Autistic and just get the girl (just like in any other Rom Com).  Cute movie, lots of funny bits - it doesn't take itself too seriously and neither should you.  Don't be dick and start comparing it to Shaun of the Dead and realising it comes up short - duhhhh - no, it's not even in the same league, get over it.  Just enjoy.

3.5 stars.


Brilliant!  Bravo!  Edge of your seat kind of storyline.  A movie that is not quite as it seems.  Very clever and will charm the pants off you.

4 stars.

A Good Day to Die Hard

I'd love to say it was so bad that it was good (that was my aim in seeing it) but I'd be lying.  It was so bad that I actually took out my phone and started playing Candy Crush Saga about a quarter way through it.  The whole movie was a WTF moment.  The "climax" takes place in Cernobyl.  Yes, THE Chernobyl.  Explosions happen a the power plant.  Seriously?  Yes, seriously.

I doubt they let any human anywhere near that place even 27 years on.  Meanwhile all the characters are parading about in t-shirts and swimming in the radio-active water.  At the same time (nuclear? Does it matter?) bombs are being detonated left, right and centre.  Surely someone should have let the costume department know about including 'protective suits' in the wardrobe.

They really should have all gotten the "Yippie Kay Oh" out of there, as I wish I had about 20 minutes in.

1 star.

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone


2 Stars.

And now for some non Hoyts movies...


Dark as hell but also incredibly touching (How?  Who the fuck knows, just go with it).  Loved it! What's his face can actually act... okay, the jury is still out on that but he did a fine job.    Fine job indeed.

4.5 stars.

Only God Forgives

Like watching the dream sequence from Twin Peaks without any of the other storyline.  David Lynch WISHES he could dream up something this fucked up.  Visually stunning and stylistically wonderful.  As always, the mood is in the silences and lack of dialogue, but WTF man?  I seriously felt like I was on shrooms watching it.  In fact I wish I'd had some shrooms.

2.5 stars.

The Great Gatsby

I loved this book.  I've loved the movies that came before.  I liked this movie.  All performances were excellent.  The direction was okay.  DiCraprio was really good as Gatsby.  I think it tried too hard to be "roaring twenties".  We get it.  The Great War was over and everyone was set to party.  No need to shove it in our faces Baz, I'm sure we can figure it out on our own, we're not retarded.

2.5 stars.

The Place Beyond the Pines

Really good.  Really, really, REALLY good.  The only thing I need to fault is Cianfrance slipping too much in with too much detail into a movie that already felt a little long.  Usually when people say that movies feel a little long they mean that it was boring but I don't mean that.  It wasn't boring AT ALL, it was brilliant, beautiful, shocking etc. but there were three generational stories here that all felt a little short changed in the transition of story lines - even though I can't think of how else you'd do it and give them all justice.  But now I'm nitpicking.  You'll love it.

4 stars.

So what have you seen lately?

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