[Miscellany]

Apparently, accorrding to Marcel Proust, via Vanity Fair, answering these questions an individual reveals his or her true nature.

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Mutual love, mutual respect, family where you belong and know without a shadow of a doubt that you belong, knowing people have your back, knowing you are living your authentic self - love, kids, family, safety, lots of people around who you have mutual love for.

What is your greatest fear?
Alone and without a way out.

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
The ruiner part.

Which living person do you most admire?
I don’t know.  I tend to admire actions in the moment.  Like, every time I watch Ellen I admire how she spreads kindness.  Every time I see mum persevere, I admire that she was able to overcome huge amount of pain.  I admire traits that people have rather than the whole person. The whole person is flawed.

What is your greatest extravagance?
My lack of foresight.

What is your current state of mind?
I am extremely lucid, my mind offers no filter between the world and my soul.  I am depressed, with good reason.  There is no fuzziness in my logic.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
I had to google ‘list of virtues’ but my first thought was whatever the virtue is where you look after yourself first.  I think that’s heralded as the ultimate state of being when in fact it’s destroyed humanity.  If I had to pick from ‘the list’, possible gratitude.  I realise it’s part to play in the scheme of things, but it has little place when you are searching hard to find something, anything and it ends up being ‘coffee’.  That shit gets old.

On what occasion do you lie?
With my words?  Rarely - maybe to keep the wolves at bay - to shield, mostly.  With my every day being.. everyday.  I’m here.  I shouldn’t be.

What do you most dislike about your appearance?
Everything.  My whole body.

What living person do you most despise?
There is one actually, funnily - as I don’t have one I admire.  She’s a liar, a manipulator, a gaslighter, has no integrity, went out of her way to hold my head below the water line for no reason at all and justifies it so well.  She’s currently very happy.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
Kindness.  Integrity.  Creativity. Humour.

Which words of phrases fo you most overuse?
“This is killing my soul”
It usually is.  Everything is.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
My pup. He is a Devine soul.

When and where were you happiest?
Maybe at the beach - childhood of endless summers/

Which talent would you most like to have?
Ability to woo.  I don’t mean romance particularly, I mean in general.  Charisma.  Yes, I think it’s a talent.  Other talents I like, I already have.  I have no desire to be a marathon runner, or great at baseball.

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
Go back in time 10 years.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
I don’t really think I have any achievements worth the title of ‘greatest’.  I have a job, I have a mortgage.  Some people would consider that an achievement. I don’t. I tell you what - I have a little piece of graffiti that I scribbled on a toilet door in a cafe that is still there. I regard THAT an achievement.

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what would it be?>
Guardian angel.  I have no desire to be here.

Where would you most like to live?
Comfortable house right on the beach that welcomes dogs, is a perfect swimming hole but isn’t too busy.

What is your most treasured possession?
My journals

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
Lack of hope about the future. Futility. Waking up with dread. A knowingness that this is as good as it’s going to get.

What is your favourite occupation?
Artist/wordsmith.

What is your most marked characteristic?
This comes up a bit - empathy or friendliness.

What do you value most in your friends?
Empathy, kindness, unique characteristics of them.

Who are your favourite writers?
Neil Gaiman, Jeffrey Eugenides, Jane Austin, Charlotte Bronte

Who is your hero of fiction?
Jane Eyre, Dolores Price, Elenor Olyphant, Delerium, Death (From Sandman)

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I don’t know.

Who are your heroes in real life?
Probably someone I work with. He does good for all, regardless of personal feeling.  Intent is always good.  Integrity high.  Amazing person.  Amazing.

What are your favourite names?
Rose, Sophia, Nick, Jack.  I dunno - I don’t have a list.  I’m sure those names will be replaced in five minutes.

What is it that you most dislike?
When people hurt others on PURPOSE and give zero fucks;

What is your greatest regret?
Saying no, mostly.

How would you like to die?
Minimal fuss and no pain.  Dog taken care of.  I’ve earned it.

What is your motto?
Just be kind.  Have a heart/

posted by M at 11:07 pm 1 comments

People at work are getting married again.  It happens in cycles, cycles like generations coming and going.  I’ve seen them all.. The first one’s children are now nearing the end of high school.  The ones in the middle are working part time with kids at home, and the new ones are making plans for doves and dry ice on the dance floor.  I am the constant in amongst the blur of an ever changing landscape, a time lapse video with myself at the centre.  Funnily enough though,. even in my own life, I am on the periphery and not the centre at all.  In this case I am.

I watch this from the sidelines genuinely happy for the good fortune of others. I believe in love and I believe in happiness for people.  I have to believe it.  I say silent prayers for all of them who find it, this love/happiness thing.  I hope they feel the gratitude of it but if they don’t, I do feel it for them.  Thank you.  Thank you God for giving them happiness.  I hope they are happy.  I hope they feel joy and love.  I don’t wish my life upon them and so I do the only thing I can, which is to offer up gratitude - just in case there is a ghoul in the corner awaiting to gobble the goodness all up.

I’m going to be honest.  I’m trying my very best to be very good.  I don’t know who I’m asking exactly, despite my silent prayers, I don’t believe in God.  But I keep asking anyway. Maybe I have a better chance of getting what I want by having a bargaining tool - goodness.  I’m being good. There must be something out there, giving out good things - surely.  There is probably something out there giving out bad things too, I guess.  I know it can’t be related to action or worthiness.  I know a lot of unworthy awful awful people have such joy and love in their lives.  They have a guaranteed ticket to ride for the rest of their lives.  I know people who did very little and just been at the right place at the right time.

Maybe it’s a decision.  You decide and there you are.

Maybe not. I don’t know.

Until then, I watch the videos of friends and acquaintances walk down the aisle.  Resplendent in joy, they are. So happy.  A twinkle in the eye - a future - a past - a generation come and gone - a ticket and I feel such relief that there is one less person in the world with an unmapped future.  I watch the whirlwind of activity pick up again around me like a tornado with me at the centre, watching the blur of past present and future, of lives coming together. And me saying a silent prayer to a God I don’t know.

Please God, let me die.

posted by M at 9:59 pm 1 comments