[Miscellany]

People at work are getting married again.  It happens in cycles, cycles like generations coming and going.  I’ve seen them all.. The first one’s children are now nearing the end of high school.  The ones in the middle are working part time with kids at home, and the new ones are making plans for doves and dry ice on the dance floor.  I am the constant in amongst the blur of an ever changing landscape, a time lapse video with myself at the centre.  Funnily enough though,. even in my own life, I am on the periphery and not the centre at all.  In this case I am.

I watch this from the sidelines genuinely happy for the good fortune of others. I believe in love and I believe in happiness for people.  I have to believe it.  I say silent prayers for all of them who find it, this love/happiness thing.  I hope they feel the gratitude of it but if they don’t, I do feel it for them.  Thank you.  Thank you God for giving them happiness.  I hope they are happy.  I hope they feel joy and love.  I don’t wish my life upon them and so I do the only thing I can, which is to offer up gratitude - just in case there is a ghoul in the corner awaiting to gobble the goodness all up.

I’m going to be honest.  I’m trying my very best to be very good.  I don’t know who I’m asking exactly, despite my silent prayers, I don’t believe in God.  But I keep asking anyway. Maybe I have a better chance of getting what I want by having a bargaining tool - goodness.  I’m being good. There must be something out there, giving out good things - surely.  There is probably something out there giving out bad things too, I guess.  I know it can’t be related to action or worthiness.  I know a lot of unworthy awful awful people have such joy and love in their lives.  They have a guaranteed ticket to ride for the rest of their lives.  I know people who did very little and just been at the right place at the right time.

Maybe it’s a decision.  You decide and there you are.

Maybe not. I don’t know.

Until then, I watch the videos of friends and acquaintances walk down the aisle.  Resplendent in joy, they are. So happy.  A twinkle in the eye - a future - a past - a generation come and gone - a ticket and I feel such relief that there is one less person in the world with an unmapped future.  I watch the whirlwind of activity pick up again around me like a tornado with me at the centre, watching the blur of past present and future, of lives coming together. And me saying a silent prayer to a God I don’t know.

Please God, let me die.

posted by M at 9:59 pm 1 comments