Friday, November 17, 2006


Last night I had a dream that I sat down to dinner with my extended family, cousins, aunts, uncles etc and they all proceeded to tell me the things they hated about me. It wasn't good. When I woke up I lay there in my bed with the covers pulled up around my chin blocking out the cold morning and thought about it for a long time. The dream was quite timely considering that there have been a few family issues lately that I've somehow gotten involved in without actually *getting* involved. Maybe that's the problem and I need to get *more* involved but to be honest, I can't see the point. It's all infighting about issues that are not going to be resolved, they haven't been for too many years already. Anyway- the family issues have made me feel a little insecure (read: feeling like shit) and while that fact was probably the starting point of the dream, it still doesn't explain the content.

Anyway, the dream felt so real and I know enough about myself to know that when I have those kinds of "real" dreams that it's something I need to take note of because there is something I need to change or that something is about to knock my world about. I was almost late for school because of it. I know that dreams are important because they are what your mind tells you without all those walls we put up during waking life - and that can be pretty terrifying. I've got to wonder whether these mean things I heard (in the dream) are the things I tell myself or whether others really think them about me. I'm pretty hard on myself - and noone has ever told me anything to my face that I haven't already told myself (but worse) in my head.

The dream has put me completely on the back foot. I can't stop thinking about it.

Do you ever feel that sometimes no matter what ever you do, or say, or be it just won't be 'good enough' for some people?

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