Saturday, November 11, 2006


Isn't it funny how the bad things that happen stick out in our head? I know for me, when things go wrong I go through my mental filofax and pick out all those things that have almost destroyed me and replay them over and over again until I feel even worse. I reaffirm how crap I am by relying on the bad memories to support my inadequacies instead of the good. But shouldn't it be the nice things that are on file for instant replay? I have to admit, that apart from a certain notable, I am always the first in line to tear myself down.

When I was in year 12 our psychology class made warm/fuzzies about each other. It's where you write something about everyone in the grade and at the end you have a envelope full of warm/fuzzies about you written by your classmates. Our teacher said that whenever we feel that life is beating us down we should open the envelope and read about the nice things about ourselves. Sometimes you need to be told, instead of telling yourself. It's been 11 years but I still have that envelope. It's not full of anything life-affirming or even deep but they do give me a warm/fuzzy feeling when I read over them and yes - every few years I do. Even though I don't speak to 90% of those people anymore, it still makes me feel happy to read them. There are also a few cards and things from kids that I've kept which also are part of that 'envelope'. Those good things, they're there yes - it's just more of an effort to access them than the bad stuff. I don't know why.

Sometimes this journal is like that envelope. Every so often, I might read over warm/fuzzy entries I've written or come across a comment that one of YOU guys made and it gives me a little buck up. Maybe I don't have the resources to deal with things properly, so that's why they're important to me - but they are. So thank you.

And here's something for my future warm/fuzzy - just so I know it ain't all bad, even when it feels like it is:

Yesterday, I was standing in the corridor talking to a teacher about my pop art display and feeling a little bad about what had happened with that parent when one of the kids I taught last year (the one who ranks up there with my favourite teaching moments when he finally wrote a sentence all by himself) comes up, buries his face in my middle and squeezes me tightly in a hug. He smiles up at me with his snotty little face, gives me a grin and then goes back to hugging. I totally melt. Then another kid comes up and joins in the hug. Then another. Then another. Then another. I am soon surrounded in a Georgian skirt made out of children. It made my day. I love hugs.

Then I got to the art room and M, the PE teacher had written me this lovely note about how she thought I was such an inspirational teacher and how my displays made her day and, and, and ...nice stuff. So I wrote her a little card back thanking her and letting her know how great she is. Another 'made my day' moment.

I need to put these ones in my little envelope I think.

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