Monday, April 02, 2007

My Window on the World

I was raised on old Hollywood movies and delicious re-runs of Mr Ed, I Dream of Jeannie, The Brady Bunch, Happy Days and I Love Lucy. As a consequence I'm rather mad about big band music and television theme tunes. TV shows used to have theme songs - that is themes that were independent of the Billboard top 100. Those were the days folks! If I hear one more fucking song by The fucking Fray as featured on Grey's Anatomy I. WILL. GO. POSTAL! Snow Patrol? If they stabbed Patrick Dempsey's pathetic "sad boohoo face" 1 million times with a butter knife while playing them in the background I might like Snow Patrol better, (that would be a good association) but at the moment? No..sorry. No.

Back in the day (the day being the 80s) one could rely on television to help you solve life's little problems. Sure, dad might have been absent and mum was busy stuffing prozac into Christmas day Turkey but at least you could turn to television to answer your everyday questions about life and love. Old TV was like the I-Ching.

Q: What should I cook for dinner tonight?
A: Well dammit, turn on Who's the Boss? and let's see what Tony Danza is serving up tonight!

Easy peasy.

What do people have to turn to now in their lonely hours of need? The Biggest Loser informs you how to be the whiniest bitch ever and Big Brother only ever speaks to people who enjoy dancing around in their bikini while looking at themselves in the mirror.

I feel sorry for the youth of the new millenium. Where are the television role models of today? And indeed, musically speaking where are the great theme tunes?

What has television taught me? Well take a seat girls and boys because I shall impart my knowledge onto you.

Who's the Boss?
Premise: Down on his luck Italian father with tom boy daughter move into the house of a high powered advertising executive her sissy son and sassy grandma - so that he can become the man servant.
Lessons Learned: * When it comes to family you do whatever you can to make ends meet.
* Men who cook and clean are fucking sexy.
* When I grow up I wanna be Mona.

Growing Pains
Premise: The everyday life of an "average" middle class family living in the 'burbs, consisting of cool but deadbeat older brother. Nerdy middle sister and annoying, smart arsed youngest brother. Two parents who actually love each other and a best friend who is the dopiest dude in the world.
Lessons Learned: * Never try to fool mum and dad by having a party when they go out of town because they are going to find out!
* Having a psychiatrist for a dad can sometimes suck.
* Kirk Cameron is HOT!

Diff'rent Strokes
Premise: Two young Afro brothers are adopted by well meaning older rich white guy and turn his whole life and family upside down with their difference in culture and attitude to life.
Lessons Learned: * "Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you may not be right for some".
* Goldfish make way cool pets because you can talk to them and they really do listen!
* I wanna be adopted by a rich, white old guy!
* Acid rain will turn blonde hair green (anyone else remember that episode?!?!).

Prisoner: Cell Block H
Premise: Australian drama set inside a maximum security women's prison. Lesbians, hags, innocents, mums and freaks all living together and getting by - locked in by wardens who are sometimes worse than the crims and facing their own demons.
Lessons Learned: * Prisoners are people too.
* When women kill men it's for a really fucking good reason.
* Never lag on anyone, ever!
* If you're going to use the kitchen supplies to make prison moonshine make sure the screws don't find out because you've passed out drunk.

The Golden Girls
Premise: 4 senior citizens share a house and their lives in sunny Florida. Rose is a dimwitted do gooder, Blanche is the slut, Dorothy is the world's most cynical woman and her mother Sophia is sharp as a tack.
Lessons Learned: * Women either outlive men or are passed up for a younger model - but best girlfriends are forever!

Mork and Mindy
Premise: Lovable alien in human form is stuck on planet Earth and rooming with a cute but highly strung young woman.
Lessons Learned: * There are so few viable men willing to settle down on planet Earth that Aliens are starting to look really, really good! (hahaha).

Happy Days
Premise: Funny goings on of a family living in the 50s - especially centering around the adventures of the son Ritchie, his precocious younger sister Joni, his high school friends (Potsie and Ralph) and local ladies man: Fonz. Their hangout - the local diner - is usually at the center of working out all the important life questions like How DOES Fonz get all the ladies anyway?
Lessons Learned: * Men need time away from the family unit, preferably engaging in cult like behaviour with the other husbands in the local community.
* Men who know exactly what they want, when they want will always get exactly what they want, when they want.
* Motorbikes are way cool.
* Study hard at school and you'll go places.
* Friends sometimes get you in trouble.
* Look out for your younger siblings!
* People named Chachi are try hards.
* Change your name to Pinky Tuscadero and you might get a date with The Fonz.
* Change your name to Ralph Malph and you will be a laughing stock.

I Dream of Jeannie
Premise: Moralistic but handsome astronaut finds a bottle on the beach with a Jeannie inside. The Jeannie falls in love with him but he won't have a bar of it. He doesn't need a slave, and yet she needs a master. What to do? What to do? Best friend Roger however would LOVE a slave.
Lessons Learned: * Women pretty much get anything they want if they have flippy, flippy hair, pout a lot and show their boobs and belly.
* Sometimes men have no idea when they're onto a really good thing.

Mr Ed
Premise: Married guy owns a horse that talks. No one else knows the horse talks and the married guy is going slowly insane as Mr Ed his amusing but demanding horse gets him into loads of trouble in every episode!
Lessons Learned: * If you look hard enough you might find a horse that can talk! (shuddup, I actually DID do this! Hey, I was 7!).

Family Ties
Premise: Sitcom centered around a quirky and fun middle class family living in the burbs. Characters include - Two very loving liberal minded parents, their neurotic genius republican son, a ditzy but pretty daughter, an annoying younger sister and a youngest little son who idolises his republican older brother.
Lessons Learned: * With loving family on your side you can face absolutely anything.
* Republicans are fucked up in the head but still might just be the cutest damn people you ever did see.

Starsky And Hutch
Premise: Two extremely single, plain clothed, good hearted policemen drive a "red tomato" as they save "Bay City" from the scum of society. They have a soft spot for saving young children and strippers and pros.
Lessons Learned: * Young police guys may be the hottest thing to hit the streets since white roller skates with a red stripe down the side but they will never stick around for very long.

Twin Peaks
Premise: Laura Palmer is found "Dead, wrapped in plastic" down by the river in a small northern town and the search is on to find the killer. Lots of weird characters who make no sense.

The Brady Bunch
Premise: Here's the story of a lovely lady, Who was bringing up three very lovely girls. All of them had hair of gold, like their mother. The youngest one in curls. Here's the story, of a man named Brady. Who was busy with three boys of his own. They were four men, living all together. Yet they were all alone. Till the one day when the lady met this fellow and they knew it was much more than a hunch. That this group would somehow form a family. That's the way we all became the Brady Bunch.
Lesson Learned: * In the future get a housekeeper!
* If you are the middle child you have heaps of baggage.
* Marcia, Marcia fucking Marcia. Why does it always have to be about HER?
* Two kids is plenty. Three is pushing it.

I Love Lucy
Premise: Wacky, funny lady Lucy marries handsome, mature Cuban musician Ricky. They are incompatible but love each other anyway. Lucy always manages to get herself into lots of hilarious trouble every episode and Ricky never seems very impressed. Their neighbours always seem to be around.
Lessons Learned: * Smart, funny, wacky, quirky vivacious women will never be contained by the stuffy expectations of men who don't understand them.
* If you make friends with your neighbours they will NEVER LEAVE so perhaps don't be best friends with your neighbours!
* Cuban accents are kind of sexy - especially when shouting is involved.

Premise: Normal everyday guy, Darren (Derwood) marries a real live witch (Samantha)! He tries in vain to stop her using her magic but try as she might she really cannot ever deny her legacy for long - especially since her witchy family keeps popping in. Besides her magic saves Derwood's skin more than a few times so what's the harm? Meanwhile the snoopy neighbourhood busybody realises something fishy is up at the witchy household and tries to "catch" them out at every opportunity!
Lessons Learned: * People are special as they are and you shouldn't try to change them too much because if you do you lose the very essence of what attracted you to them in the first place.
* Hiding who you really are is taxing as it is difficult to maintain false exteriors.

Premise: Widowed father raises his teenage surfie tom boy daughter.
Lesson Learned: * Dads are cool and have interesting things to say so maybe you should listen to them.
* Sometimes kids can teach adults a thing or two.

Murphy Brown
Premise: Hugely successful and high achieving journalist lives her job and loves Motown music- but is constantly faced with the dilemma of acting professionally and keeping her emotions in check at the same time. Meanwhile she comes to terms with the fact that her biological clock is ticking and she is still single.
Lesson Learned: * Motown is FABULOUS and will get you through anything in life!
* Tradesmen and men who can fix things are awesome.
* Everyone needs a buddy to talk things over with.
* Friends can be sort of like family.
* The biological clock is like a time bomb!

See! So many life lessons to be learned from TV of a bygone era. I had so many favourite TV shows as a child - this doesn't even scratch the surface. What were your favourite TV shows and why? What were your favourite TV show Theme tunes?

Most of the TV show tunes are here except Twin Peaks (too long) and Murphy Brown (the theme kept changing from episode to episode). Warning: This takes a while to load from song to song!

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