Thursday, September 27, 2007

Bah buhbuhbuh Baby!

One word answer meme:

1. Where is your mobile phone? hand bag
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend? nil
3. Your hair? soft
4. Work? holidays
5. Your father? passed
6. Your favorite thing? daydreaming
7. Your dream last night? sexy
8. Your favorite drink? coffee
9. Dream car? petrol-less
10. The room you're in? bed
11. Your pet? dead.
12. Your fears? uncontrolled
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? happy
14. Where did you hang out last night? TV
15. What you're not good at? organisation
16. Eyebrow rings on the preferred sex? ..depends
17. One of your wish list items? hugs
18. Where you grew up? melb
19. The last thing you did? yawn
20. What are you wearing? pjs
21. What aren't you wearing? knickers
22. The website GoofyAuctions.com (filled with eBay spoofs)? huh?
23. Your computer? precious
24. Your life? crossroads
25. Your mood? melancholy
26. Missing? friend.
27. What are you thinking about right now? meme
28. Your car? filthy
29. Your work? transfer
30. Your summer? nearly
31. Your relationship status? zilch
32. Your favorite color? wine
33. When is the last time you laughed? morning.
34. Last time you cried? recently
35. School? ...maybe.

Spring has a sound. If I couldn't smell or see I'd still be able to pick spring from the sounds. Faint lawnmowers, the occasional bird call and that wind - an almost-there rustle against the leaves. All those things mean spring - there's a sense of newness, it's cliche to think it I know that, but it also happens to be true.

Speaking of newness it seems like all my friends have gone and sprouted new children overnight. I realise it's been happening for a while now, but the other day I looked at my calendar and realised that all my holiday catch-ups involve children. Yes, all of them, and there are quite a few. I'd be lying if I said it was always joyous - quite frankly it's not. Sorry to all the babied up people in the stratosphere but let me outline exactly why you guys sort of suck sometimes.

* You can't hold a conversation that doesn't involve children. I've tried, it doesn't happen. I've given up. I thought teachers had the monopoly on being self-absorbed but no, parents take the cake.

* Any plans are now classified "indefinite". I'll see you ... maybe has become the basic mantra. In fact I tend not to leave the house until the absolute last minute anymore, just in case the 'we can't make it' call comes through and trust me, it does about 60% of the time.

* Don't even get me started on just trying to *plan* an outing. Good Christ I'd have better luck planning coffee with the Pope.

* You now know nothing about my life. Not because I don't have one but because the last time we talked about me the baby was still inside you.

* You know what? I love you, I love your baby and I totally have both your backs but if I have to eat in one more child friendly restaurant I'm going to stab you with my child friendly spork. I hate child friendly restaurants. You are dumbfounded when I suggest somewhere else - like as if you're amazed that adults don't love places with a kids menu and crap coffee.

* You've suddenly turned competitive. Not about yourself but about your child. Little Man is in the somethingth percentile for body weight, you don't say? wow, I'm impressed. Little Man could walk by 6 months? Oooh lala, blow me over with a feather! Walking, who ever heard of such a thing in a human being!

* Phone calls go a little something like this

Me: Hey, long time no hear - how are you going?
You: Oh my god, where do I begin? Little Man was up all night grizzling so of course that meant I was up too. Hubby refused to get up because he says he's the one going to work and he needs his sleep. What about my sleep? I haven't had a full nights sleep in 6 months! So anyway, I'm up with little Man and every time he'd drift off to sleep I'd tip toe back into bed and then he'd start screaming again. So I go in and check his nappy but no poo and then I check his temperature and he feels a little warm but how warm is too warm for a baby? In the end I called the nurse at 3am mind you, and she kept suggesting all these different things so then I called the maternal nurse and SHE said something completely different to the other nurse so in the end I bundled up Little Man and took him to the hospital where I was 6th in line and had to wait for 3 and a half hours JUST to get a consultation and then a further 45 minutes in the doctor's office. In the end it turned out to just be rash but you can never be too careful when it comes to babies can you? Anyway how are you going?
Me: Err... um well I've got some exciting news actually!
You: oh good you know these days I just don't get any adult conversation anymore. I'd love to hear some news.
Me: Okay well...
You: hello, hellooooo, hello Little Man are you smiling? Are you smiling at me? Aren't you clever? You're very clever and handsome - now here you go here's a toy you can play with..
Me: *cough* anyway..
You: oh sorry I *am* terrible I know. Baby brain and all that. oh bugger now he's started crying I have to go feed him bye
*dial tone*
Me: ohhhh kaaay.

Yes, I realise you are doing something tres important by producing your own spawn but I remember once upon a time when you were cool and could hold a conversation. Maybe I'll be the same one day, but I honestly hope not.

Don't mind me, I'm just feeling a little neglected on the friend front. *pout*

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