Monday, September 10, 2007

Monday morning, alone time musings.

It's funny sort of morning, warm and sunny but there's chill in the whip of the wind that will later develop into a blistery grey day. I'm standing to the side of a weathered basket ball court supervising children run back and forth in a seemingly endless relay. It's 9.15am and their faces are already shiny with sweat - the sky is a perfect expanse of blue and judging from my weepy eyes, spring is definitely in the air. I'm switching balance from foot to booted foot - and thinking about life and being alone. Not exactly a cheery Monday morning thought. I know these things are never really permanent unless you decide they are, but this feels permanent.

I don't think I've ever been more aware of being alone than right now. Friends with children have become unaccessible. Phone conversations reduced to "so how are you?" and before I can have my say it's "...oh God, baby crying, gotta go bye". I've simply stopped saying anything about myself at all - instead I ask about them. As yet, they haven't noticed the change but it's just easier for everyone concerned. God knows lack of adult conversation means they don't speak to anyone else either.

Then there are the 'too busy to talk' friends, and the 'last ditch effort to inject some life into their lives by transferring overseas' friends and the 'not as close as we used to be' friends. I'm just feeling a bit displaced and lost - is this an 'almost 30' thing? Is this normal?

Apart from the usual coffee and dinner occurrences I find myself spending a lot of time doing things alone and while I'm not bothered most of the time - it's just the feeling that people aren't *there* for me anymore is what is making me question whether things will always be like this. Maybe I'm just being melodramatic...

As for melancholy moods and Musical Mondays I think I've found the perfect song for imagining you're floating mid air above a field of daisies or something nice like that. I wish I was doing it now. An occasional spattering of clouds have settled overhead and I'd really just love to lay down somewhere and make up stories in my head about them while listening to Mazzy Star and thinking about life.

Fade Into You - Mazzy Star

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