Wednesday, November 28, 2007

chronicles of a serial love rat dater.

You know what Kylie Minogue? I just don't get it. I just don't get you. You've got money, you have a bazillion gay fans, you can wear hot pants without a hint of irony and still make it work and you beat the big C over the head with spiky stick but you are still a magnet for deadbeat men.

There have been many though these were the lucky, lucky, lucky few that lasted longer than a few weeks.

1) Jason Donovan. Okay, there was nothing wrong with him except that he had a mullet but then again YOU had a mullet TOO! You were MFEO, goddamn you I'm still waiting for you two to walk down the isle while Suddenly plays in the background in a quaint little church in the Dandenong Mountains...fer real this time. I fully blame you for his addiction to drugs and foray into reeeeeally bad sappy pop music and finally into ugly land. Lady before you fucked with him he was every nice Smash Hits magazine reading young lass' wet dream. That is all.

2) Michael Hutchence. I totally get it - he was completely fucked up but sexy as hell. Maybe even being fucked up made him sexy as hell. It's a hard thing for a girl in her early 20s to resist, I know. Then again, he was a serial womanizer who was totally seeing other women the whole time he was with you. Then after dumping you the next thing you know he's married to a wacko and then...bam! Dead. I'm not saying you were to blame however, Jase up at #1 didn't fare so well after dealing with you either. Did I mention the words "serial womanizer"?

3) James Gooding - dude used you for sex and then sold your story to the tabloids in a simultaneous dump/humiliation move. Yeah, he was a real keeper. Again - serial womanizer

4) Pauly Shore - well I don't think he hurt YOU at all but my god woman it's PAULY SHORE, even Brendan Fraser in that cracker of a moive Encino Man was more articulate and 'human' like than him - what the fuck were you thinking? I mean jeez, I don't understand.

5) Olivier Martinez. Two words: Love Rat. Here's another two words: serial womanizer. Lady, every single person who has ever picked up a copy of NW while waiting in the check out line at Safeway knew that he was cheating on you and we all groaned simultaneously when we found out that you took him back...again..and again..and again. Okay, Frenchy stayed by your side during your battle with cancer but I'm a cynical bitch and I'm going to say what we we've all been thinking but were too nice to say: The man didn't want to be publicly known as the bastard who dumped Kylie while she had cancer. So..he stayed with you through that and then waited until you were well again before he took up with some young thing..just like he always meant to (or always was). This doesn't make him a "good person for being by your side" but instead a "dickhead that needs his nuts kicked in good and proper".

(honorable mention: That married guy who took you out on hit yacht for a "friendly" trip. Yes, married. No, no one actually believed you were 'just friends').

Girlfriend do I really have to remind you that you are rich, famous, gorgeous and un-wrinkly? What more could a man want in a woman (well so they keep saying anyway)? And this is coming from someone who doesn't even like you. I think you're a vapid attention whore who sings shit songs that are only good for a bout of retro dancing and nostalgia - but even I; a member of the ever hurtful Kylie critics can see that you are automatically five thousand per cent better than any guy out there that has the privilege of being on your arm.

Honey, it's time to go lez.

What is it with fabulous girls who can manage mammoth careers and have it all but can't resist the charms of dead beat idiots? I know so, so many absolutely wonderful (and conventionally beautiful) women who are surrounded by deadbeats! What the hell is going on?

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